Frustrations

I have been trying out new medications for a few months now. Since Jason had his surgery I have had problems sleeping and my OCD and anxiety levels have been very high. So far none of the medicines have worked. I am currently not on any medicines, but over the counter sleeping pills that sometimes help...sometimes not so much. I feel mad all the time. I feel like the weight of the world is crushing me and like I can't breath. I don't know how to make it better and I don't understand why all the sudden things are this horrible. I worry that I have always been like this ( grouchy, un-loving, and all around a bitch). I don't like myself and I am sure the people around me are not real fond of me most of the time. Jason does his best to keep me happy, but I have little patience for my children ( who seem to be wired and out of control lately) and I prefer to just be left alone. I can't think straight and have problems with spelling and stuff that I never had an issue with before. It seems like it is all smacking down on me at once and if I can just get it all down on the screen maybe I can make sense of it.

I tried to go to talk to someone and they just stared at me and waited for me to "talk it out" that did NOT help. If I knew what was wrong I wouldn't be there in the first place. Then I saw the doctor and they gave me medicine after medicine that did NOT help. The first one gave me hives, the second one made me a zombie and the third one made me HATE human contact or anyone even in my space I tripped out. So now I am back to not having any medicines in my system and I am worse off then what I was to begin with. What the hell is going on!? I am trying to hard to get the life I had ( or a better one) before Jason got sick. Before my world went into a whirlwind that I can't stop. I want the kids I had....you know the ones that listened and were grateful for what they got not these demons they have become!....I want to love myself again and not feel like a stranger in my own body. I don't know if this will pass or if this is what my life has become. If it is...I fear I may not be able to take it.

Me, before my world fell apart.

I know that all of this sounds like a person who is "whining" but you can ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you I am one of strongest persons they know. I don't ask for help and I don't complain all the time. I choose to do things my way and I don't expect anyone to agree with me, but I do want things done my way...(that is the OCD). I have always been a drama queen, but not in a bad or annoying way. I am lost. I have asked for help and it did not work. I don't know where to turn or what to do next. I just want the frustrations to stop. I want the pain to stop. I want the arguments to stop. I want it all to go away. I don't want anyone to comment on this. I don't want words of encouragement or words of pity. I just want to get all this down out of my brain and onto the screen that way I can maybe make sense of it. I hope to one day look back and say I made it through this rough patch in my life and came out better because of it...I hope.....

I have to say the one silver lining to all this is my husband. Jason has stood by me through all the mood swings and the ups and downs I have been facing. He has never once turned away from me no matter how much I hate myself he sees the best in me. I don't know what I will ever do to show him the love I feel for him even when I hate the world. I really believe Jason is the one person on this Earth that I am meant to spend my days with and that will always understand me, even when I don't understand myself....like right now.....So I part with these final words. No matter how bad things get my love for my husband ( and children) will never change. Even if I seem like the worlds biggest bitch, I always...ALWAYS love you all...thank you for standing by me Jason Shepard, without you....I don't know what I would do.