Short Update

Tyler, Tiffany, Dakota-James

Well the kids return to school tomorrow after a 15 day break. I can't tell you how happy that makes ME! I love my children, but locking them indoors, due to nasty cold weather, for that long of a time is pure HELL. Not only on them, but for us parents as well. Other then that the kids greatly enjoyed their presents and the break from school. Jason and I are working to get things back on schedule and it is hard. We have always been night people and now that we need to be up during the day it is becoming rough on us. I am sure over time we will adjust.

My puppy in my arms

 I am still battling depression, but each day that I get out of bed is a good day.My birthday present from Jason this last year, (Odie), has made battling all these depression and anxiety problems a lot easier. He is the best little guy in the world and I can't imagine my life without him. 
Last night was a bit rough, but I have a wonderful husband to see me through all the good and bad times. Our cat decided that digging his claw into my toe and making me bash my foot off of the reclining couch was a great idea! So, off to the ER we went. There is deep tissue bruising and ice, rest, and pain medicine is all that was required...oh and they wrapped it up. It is the next day and already it doesn't hurt as bad and I am able to walk on it.

Jason and our Odie Puppy

Jason is still on high cholesterol medicine, but he is being careful and feels and looks pretty healthy. He is having issues with heartburn off and on though. I fear that he may be having gallbladder issues. If so, out it will come as well, and we will get through that surgery too. The older we get the more we realize the crap we put ourselves through when we were younger, we are paying for today. We have not smoked since his hospital visit. This month it is 5 months without a smoke. We have never really drank alcohol so I don't worry about that. We do have to eat better, but it is hard on a limited budget and picky eaters in the house. Exercise is next on our list, but my ankle has to heal and we have to find somewhere warm to do it at that doesn't cost 50 bucks a month.



We are trying to get our lives on the track we think they are meant to be on, but it is a long rough road. We know that we have to stop living like teenagers and take better care of our bodies and lives. We are in college and going after the degree's that we want to make our careers for the rest of our working days with. Everyone knows we have plans to move out of the United States and start our forever lives in Australia. So much is planned and going on in the next few years, but one thing is for sure. We are all happy, healthy and doing the best we can. We will take things one day at a time and we will survive because we are survivors.

Frustrations

I have been trying out new medications for a few months now. Since Jason had his surgery I have had problems sleeping and my OCD and anxiety levels have been very high. So far none of the medicines have worked. I am currently not on any medicines, but over the counter sleeping pills that sometimes help...sometimes not so much. I feel mad all the time. I feel like the weight of the world is crushing me and like I can't breath. I don't know how to make it better and I don't understand why all the sudden things are this horrible. I worry that I have always been like this ( grouchy, un-loving, and all around a bitch). I don't like myself and I am sure the people around me are not real fond of me most of the time. Jason does his best to keep me happy, but I have little patience for my children ( who seem to be wired and out of control lately) and I prefer to just be left alone. I can't think straight and have problems with spelling and stuff that I never had an issue with before. It seems like it is all smacking down on me at once and if I can just get it all down on the screen maybe I can make sense of it.

I tried to go to talk to someone and they just stared at me and waited for me to "talk it out" that did NOT help. If I knew what was wrong I wouldn't be there in the first place. Then I saw the doctor and they gave me medicine after medicine that did NOT help. The first one gave me hives, the second one made me a zombie and the third one made me HATE human contact or anyone even in my space I tripped out. So now I am back to not having any medicines in my system and I am worse off then what I was to begin with. What the hell is going on!? I am trying to hard to get the life I had ( or a better one) before Jason got sick. Before my world went into a whirlwind that I can't stop. I want the kids I had....you know the ones that listened and were grateful for what they got not these demons they have become!....I want to love myself again and not feel like a stranger in my own body. I don't know if this will pass or if this is what my life has become. If it is...I fear I may not be able to take it.

Me, before my world fell apart.

I know that all of this sounds like a person who is "whining" but you can ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you I am one of strongest persons they know. I don't ask for help and I don't complain all the time. I choose to do things my way and I don't expect anyone to agree with me, but I do want things done my way...(that is the OCD). I have always been a drama queen, but not in a bad or annoying way. I am lost. I have asked for help and it did not work. I don't know where to turn or what to do next. I just want the frustrations to stop. I want the pain to stop. I want the arguments to stop. I want it all to go away. I don't want anyone to comment on this. I don't want words of encouragement or words of pity. I just want to get all this down out of my brain and onto the screen that way I can maybe make sense of it. I hope to one day look back and say I made it through this rough patch in my life and came out better because of it...I hope.....

I have to say the one silver lining to all this is my husband. Jason has stood by me through all the mood swings and the ups and downs I have been facing. He has never once turned away from me no matter how much I hate myself he sees the best in me. I don't know what I will ever do to show him the love I feel for him even when I hate the world. I really believe Jason is the one person on this Earth that I am meant to spend my days with and that will always understand me, even when I don't understand myself....like right now.....So I part with these final words. No matter how bad things get my love for my husband ( and children) will never change. Even if I seem like the worlds biggest bitch, I always...ALWAYS love you all...thank you for standing by me Jason Shepard, without you....I don't know what I would do.

Biggest Scare of my Life

 Jason right after his surgery Aug. 2011

Back in August of 2011, I had one of the biggest scares of my life. It started off like a normal day. We were just laying around the house, watching TV or sitting on computers when my husband went downstairs to go to the restroom. Nothing weird about it. Then my life changed forever.

Our roommate, Brad, yelled up the stairs that I needed to get down there and call 911. I, of course, ran downstairs and then I saw him. My husband was laying on the floor, outside the bathroom gasping for breath. The ambulance took him to the hospital where they could not find anything wrong with him other then low oxygen levels. They thought it was his heart as he was having pain on his left side of his chest. They sent him to a hospital that had a heart center where he stayed stable overnight. They did several tests and found that his left lung had collapsed and his chest cavity was filling with air. That was causing his lung to be crushed and put his other internal organs at risk of displacement.

To fix this, they had to put in a chest tube. This procedure still haunts my dreams today. My husband was scared to death as was I. They were going to cut him open and stick a tube in between his ribs while he was AWAKE! To say "I lost it" is not really an accurate description of how I felt and behaved. They made me leave the room to put this tube in. I fell to the floor outside of his room and bawled. Not only were they doing this horrible procedure, but I couldn't even comfort him while they did it. What seemed like hours passed. Finally, I walked back to his room where he was resting quietly in his bed with his new tube. They had him on pain killers and he was pretty sleepy.

For the next week, I spent my life in the hospital by his side only leaving to shower at home and sleep a hour or two here and there. Brad watched the kids so I could focus on my husband. When I was at home, I was useless. I cried and bawled my eyes out and just could not think straight. Jason was in good condition, but the hole in his lung was not healing up. They said he had a spontaneous numothorax. There were sores, known as blebs, on his lungs caused by smoking and these blebs were very thin spots. One bleb had busted and caused this hole in his lung. Since it would not heal, they would have to do surgery to fix it.

Jason went into surgery and did great. They had to remove part of his lung because the sore caused too much damage to repair, but he was going to be okay and relatively healthy once more. We were notified that he has several other blebs on his other lung that would have to heal over time. When Jason awoke from surgery, he was in a LOT of pain. The new chest tube was metal and was rubbing on the back of his chest cavity, causing a lot of pain. It took them several hours to find a drug that would curb the pain. In the meantime, I was sitting by his bedside rubbing his hair in a soothing motion trying to calm my crying husband. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life. To watch a loved one in pain, and not be able to fix it, is pure torture. Later that evening, they were able to get Jason calm and comfortable and he finally slept. I spent a lot of time sitting next to my husband while he was asleep, just watching him.

I learned through all this that he is my world. I am not a believer in God, but I can see how people get swept up in his idea. I thought "if he only makes it through this, I'll...." and all those other things you promise yourself when someone is in trouble and you feel helpless. Two days after his surgery, Jason was cleared to come home. It was a long recovery, even at home, but he was determined to get better and I was determined to make him better. Today, Jason is as healthy as he can be expected to be and we have stopped smoking for good. I have gone to get help for the nightmares and I think I am over it. It is a time in my life that I will never forget, but just being able to share this story with you and not bust out bawling is an accomplishment in itself. I will always be protective of my husband, but I can now let him live his life without restraints and fears. I don't think that I will ever look at life the same way because of going through this, but I do look at it in a better light then what I did before my husband got sick.

I am sure a lot of you don't see a point to this story, but for me it helps. It helps to get all the feelings out, to move on, and put this part of my life behind me. To look forward to the rest of my days with my husband. It was a VERY hard time in both our lives, but we made it through and we are happy, healthy and in love more than we have ever been in our lives.

 Jason and Courtney Shepard 2011

This post is for my wonderful husband of 5 years. Here is to the us...our love....and growing old together.