Again with Change

                Once again I am facing more changes in my life. I keep getting told by all my friends and family ( what little family I have) that I am one of the strongest people they know. I can handle anything. When it comes down to it though I am not. I am strong because I have to be. I am in reality a very whiny scared person. I fear all the time something will happen to Jason now. I hate change. I don't do well away from home. I don't do well when things don't go the way I planned and I don't do well with life changes.

Me with my dog since the weight gain

I have had several test and a full physical over the last few weeks and come to find out I am in perfect health....well all but a high blood sugar test, but it was without fasting so we have to do another blood test to see if I have to do a diabetes test. I have gained close to 50 pounds since Aug. when I stopped smoking. I have had such trouble with my back and knees that we don't exercise the way we should. On top of the weather being so cold it is hard to get out and walk every night like we used to.

           I know that we need to get out and exercise. I know we need to eat less and I need to eat healthier, but because it isn't a life or death thing right now I find myself putting it off. I can't even look in the mirror now without feeling sick. I have no need to be naked in front of ANYONE. This is putting a strain on my life with Jason. I can't help it. I don't have any clothes that fit or an income to buy larger ones. I don't want to buy larger clothes! I have always been chubby my whole life, but this is out of hand and I have to fix it, yet I can't bring myself to. I know what needs done. I have support in doing it. I just can't. I take that back, I can, I just don't want to.

            It hurts. It hurts to walk, to exercise, and to give up all the foods I love. I gave up smoking and that helped me with my stress ( I know a lot of you don't believe it does, but smoking HELPED me with stress! ) I don't have an income to get out with my husband alone very often and we never have the money to take the kids out to places. ( Not that they listen well enough to do that anyways ) It seems like everything is falling on us at once and it really sucks.

         Jason and I both know that the remodeling needs to be finished so we have a bathroom and another bedroom. Plus we would get rid of the nasty carpet and have wonderful hardwood and new paint. The thought of that is wonderful, but that means leaving for a week so the work can be done. Coming up with the money for that and for me to handle being away from home that long is going to be a chore.

I keep telling myself we will get through all this, but when and how is yet to be known.